Dear Mr. Maroon Caravan Driver

Dear Mr. Maroon Caravan Driver,

First, let me begin by saying, "Thank you." After my morning shower, shave and application of musk-scented body butter (we wouldn't want anyone to think I wasn't masculine), I was sure I had missed a spot. Yes, I knew that some part of me was not completely clean. As you undoubtedly knew, that part was the entire right side of my body, and as soon as you saw the opportunity to help me, you did. A true Good Samaritan. That oil-laced, brown puddle on Canal Street was exactly what I needed at that time to complete my morning cleansing.

I would also like to say, "You're welcome." I could see the glee in your face as you swerved from the middle lane to the far-right lane to assist me. I feel pride that I was able to provide you with such enjoyment on this rainy, miserable morning. And knowing that your pleasure was derived from delivering aid to a needy person fills my heart with love for the entire human race.

I just wanted to jot down come of these notes for you... to get them off my mind because the burden of debt I feel to you is so great. Now I can get back to my busy Thursday and avoid open flames. Have you seen The Dark Knight yet? Just curious.

Sincerely,
The Guy in the Jeans and White T-Shirt on Canal and Lafayette Holding a Useless Umbrella Above His Head

Fingernail 2.0

I don't rant much on this blog, but I have to do so tonight. This occasion is especially sad for 2 reasons: 1. the rant is against my own body and 2. it's quite difficult for for me to type right now.

Why do we have fingernails? I always thought it was because our fingertips are so susceptible to harm, protruding out there more than most of our body... and doing stuff. If so, can someone explain to me why my well-calcified (calcinated?) fingernails can't protect me from a dullish Henkels chef knife? Yes, this knife was wielded by my own (other) hand, but still... I haven't sharpened it in years!

So what happened? I was chopping away at a jalapeno to include in these wrap thingies I would freeze for lunches. I cook and chop a lot, and jalapenos, in my opinion, are among the worst to cut. This jalapeno did what others had in the past: it jumped. Cutting lengthwise, reaching the end, and bam, the thick flesh shifts, finger under blade. I knew I should have got a habanero.

But really, it's not the jalapeno's fault - it's my fingernail's. I used to think my fingernails were so tough. I can't even bite them off! But maybe I just need to reevaluate the strength of my teeth.

Back to the initial point: we need better fingernails. It is clear that our existing units are insufficient, so I am researching fingernail improvements. So far I have designed little fingernail helmets. If you have a better idea, I'd love to know.

Walking to Work

That's my walk to work right there - from the red box (give or take) to the green box (give or take). It's about 4 miles or so, depending on the route I take... so it's a nice way to start the day. Much more pleasant than competing to be the first one out of the Grand St D. On a few occasions, I've taken my camera along to capture some of the interesting sites leading up to and crossing the Manhattan and Brooklyn Bridges (depending on my route). I hope you enjoy them.

A few samples...

Where Have You (I) Been?

While lack of blog updates seems to indicate I have not been traveling, this is not the case. I have not been touristing much, but I have been traveling quite a bit for work. I have spent three of the past four weeks out of NYC: Albuquerque, NM, Pleasanton, CA, and Eden Prairie, MN. There have not been many opportunities for site-seeing in these exotic locales, but I have learned a lot about traveling for work:

1. You are not allowed to carry a container of liquid larger than 7oz onto a plane. The keyword is here is "liquid." If you really want that 3 liter bottle of Mountain Dew beside you on the flight, simply freeze the contents. Since it is now in a solid state, you're golden.*

2. It's best to be that jerk who's the last one on the plane. Cut it as close as you can. Get to the airport 2 hours before your flight and check in, then find a bar to relax in or a power outlet so you can watch movies on your laptop. Watch the line for security check-in. When you think you have a clearing, make your move. (A "clearing" means the line is nice and short, and your flight takes off in 20 minutes or less.) Your impatience will be palpable and people will let you go ahead when you say things like, "My flight takes off in 8 minutes," and breathe heavily with frustration. (Like going "phhhh" while shaking your head.) After you clear security and board your plane, be sure to apologize profusely to the flight staff and your fellow passengers, explaining "there was an accident." **

3. There are lots of great Web sites to help you have a comfortable stay wherever you go. Here are a few I have found:
Kayak:
An excellent tool for finding the cheapest flights. Best one I have seen.

SeatGuru:
Find out what plane your flight is on and use this tool to pick the best seat available.

TimeAndDate:
Bare-bones site with many useful tools for those jumping across time zones.

WalkRunJog:
This is a little more elaborate than the excellent Google pedestrian maps, enabling you to find saved running courses, enter your weight, speed and distance to calculate calories burned.

Public Transportation>Public Transportation:
Or maybe there is some sight-seeing to do and you don't want to drive... and it's too far to walk. This links to public transport information for all areas of the US.

Yelp:
Now that you've earned a negative calorie count for the day, use this to find the nearest place to eat. (My Grimaldi's review was Review of the Day on the 26th of April!)

Beeradvocate:
Always a great site to find out what good local beer you should track down and check reviews of brewpubs.

BeerMapping:
They offer city google maps with bars and brewpubs plotted. Nice!

*I have not tested this cockamamie idea.
**If you follow this advice, you will probably miss your flight, but that's your fault.

A Life Of It's Own

This blog entry has spurned a new Web site. It will be interesting to see how this thing grows.

Beth's Birthday Blast

I've been a bit of a slacker lately - too busy working and making up new words - but here are some photos from a fantastic birthday weekend. First we swung by Gutter, then Radegast and Hotel Delmano. A good time was had by all. All always has a good time, ever notice that?

Batmanhead

Batmanhead /heɪt/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[bat-man-head]
- noun

1.	a condition that prevents a human from turning his or her head without turning the shoulders as well.

2.	Michael Keaton's head in Tim Burton's Batman.

[Origin: 1989;]

"I pulled something in my neck while reaching for the Cheerios and I've had Batmanhead all day."

*** EDIT: Vote for my new word here: Urban Dictionary.com. ***